Field of Snow
by Elliac
Summary: A field of white marred by a pool of red and an exorcist. Kanda's revelations on his imperfect relationship with Allen. Yullen. Warning: boyxboy, character death Rated for Kanda's mouth.


Disclaimer : I don't own -man. Never did, never will.

**Field of Snow**

Memories plagued my dreams, my world…

I stood there, looking over you, your pale features resembling the snow. As the white matter fell in clumps, you scooped a handful up. Turning back to face me, you smiled. My face was emotionless, yet I felt my heart skip a beat. When was the last time I'd seen you smile so sincerely? All I usually saw were the fake smiles you would give to Lenalee and Lavi as you bore the pain and sadness alone. Even when you came to me, the smiles were never truly genuine. Behind that mask was still that solemn sadness that came with the responsibilities you had.

When I ask, you avoid the question, or quietly say, "I'm not in pain." I never believed it, but maybe it's true. Maybe the pain was with me wasn't it, the pain of losing you, the pain of never seeing your smile again. But what could I do? Even if I shouted, would my words reach you? Would you even listen to my voice?

* * *

Kanda slammed open the wooden door. "Where's he?" the navy haired samurai demanded from Komui, threatening him at knife point.

The fazed Komui stared blankly for a second before confusingly replying, "Who?"

Kanda's anger rose another level, pushing him to slice through the Chief Officer's neck.

"Allen. Where's the moyashi?"

"Oh, Allen. He's on a mission." Komui replied calmly. After all, he'd been expecting the other, just, not so abruptly… "Now could you put that katana down?"

Kanda glare intensified. "Why the hell did you send him on a mission?"

"He begged me to, said he couldn't take staying in the Order any longer. What else could I do?"

"He is in no state to go on missions! Where the hell did you send him to?"

"Germany."

Kanda edged the blade closer to Komui's neck, his anger edging him on to just destroy something, anything. Growling, he sheathed Mugen in one swift move, turned and left Komui to sip his coffee.

* * *

Kanda searched the battlefield, or at least what was left of it. The bloody set of footprints led further into the endless field of snow. He had to find Allen, he just had to. The younger was important to him, too important to lose. Kanda trudged through the thick snow which continued to pile up, higher and higher. All the more important to find Allen and fast. Maybe it had been just a few hours of walking, of searching, but to Kanda, it seemed like days had past, his hope falling at an increasing rate, disappearing just like that. Yet when he finally saw the figure clad in black and red lying in the snow, relief came over him, only to have his bubble burst, when surrounding the other was snow dyed blood red.

"Allen" he breathed, quickening his pace towards the other, his heart palpitating wildly. Blood was pouring out in what seemed to be buckets, colouring the red snow even darker, bloodier. Kanda dropped to his knees, wondering if Allen was still alive. Then the younger's eyes blinked from their half-lidded state. Life returned, if just a little. Allen's focus was back. Bending down, Kanda slid his right hand under Allen's bloody head and tried as much as he could to lift the other up without deepening the injuries. "What happened to you?"

"BaK…BaKanda…" Allen barely managed to utter. "Wh…why are you here?"

"Why the hell did you go on a mission! You knew what condition your body was in!" Kanda ranted out his frustrations.

"So what. I'm an exorcist."

"Fuck moyashi, you're supposed to be recuperating. What the hell was Komui thinking, allowing you to go on such a mission."

Allen chortled. "Looks like this is my last."

As Allen's coughing died down, silence engulfed the two. Moments turned to seconds, then minutes. To Allen, it seemed like forever before Kanda replied to his statement.

"Don't joke around, Moyashi." Kanda replied, his face grim and serious.

The younger attempted to frown. "I'm not…" His voice trailed off. Neither had wanted it to come down like this. But it was inevitable. No matter how it ended, there was sure to be a battle Allen would never come back from. No matter how it ended, Kanda would be left alone, if he didn't perish with the other.

"Damn it. Allen, don't… just don't… leave." Kanda couldn't say it, not in such a situation, not when the other was on the brink of death. He didn't want to believe it. If just for a moment, he wished the war to be over, for them to never have to fight, for Allen to stay alive. Yet such was just a wish, a fantasy that allowed him to be relieved of the pain, the feelings. Then again, anyone stuck in the war would know there was never any hope. Not in the past, not now. Hope was just a fantasy, that gave the Order strength when it was needed, nothing more. What more, the damn moyashi had to go and get himself mortally wounded in the whole mess of it all.

"Kanda… Yuu… don't be sad." Allen smiled, but Kanda could see through the lies, the fake smile. Would Allen continue lying till the end? Was Kanda not entitled to share the pain?

"Don't be sad… I'm not worth it…" Allen chanted softly, his soft features graced by a smile anyone else would be taken in by. Looking up at Kanda, Allen's eyes suddenly regained their clarity, his smile widening into one of genuine happiness.

Kanda frowned, unable to understand why Allen was smiling at him. And this time, it wasn't a fake one. Why? How could Allen be happy at a desolate time such as this. Sometimes, Kanda could never read Allen, or understand how the other's mind worked. Continuing to stare down at Allen, the older saw it.

The first tear. The first tear that rolled down Allen's bloodied cheeks. The first tear full of pent up emotion that had been held back since forever. Allen's smile vanished, replaced by the sadness of a young teenager, burdened by a war that had stolen everything from him - His family, his friends, even his very existence. A second drop fell to the snow, disappearing into the frozen wasteland. Allen was finally opening up. More tears followed, leaving countless trails down his cheeks, washing away the blood, as if cleansing Allen.

Kanda hadn't realised when Allen had closed his eyes shut, allowing the tears to continue streaming down his face. "Che, if it was so painful, why did you have to hide everything?"

"Shut up, BaKanda…" The younger retorted, wiping away his tears with his left hand. His voice was soft, almost silent. Then the bouts of coughs started. Blood erupted from Allen's throat, staining the corners of his mouth, making his already pale lips seems even ghostlier. He jerked, his head leaving the snow for barely a second, revealing the fresh patch of blood beneath it. Kanda's eyes widened if just a millimetre.

They were silent after Allen's coughing had died down, but still conversing as they locked eyes, staring into each other's depths. Time seemed to have stopped as all Kanda could see were Allen's murky grey depths, his pupils dilated and clouded, whatever life left in them slipping away silently.

"I guess this is it…" Allen murmured so softly that Kanda could barely hear. "In the end…" he choked, "Was I able to make a difference?"

Kanda stared blankly at Allen, unsure of what to do, think or even say. Death. He thought death was simple, just the loss of life from a body. He had witnessed many deaths since joining the Black Order, he had even confronted it before, but now he was clueless as to what to do. Cry? Scream? It seemed useless to do any of those. He didn't answer Allen's question, not because he didn't have one. After all, who could deny how much the white haired 'saviour' had done for the Order? Anyone could list at least a handful of ways Allen had helped not only the Order, but even everyone in it, be it finders or exorcists. He couldn't answer Allen, because if he did, it would be letting Allen slip away further, further into the darkness. It felt like he would lose the other forever.

"Goodbye… Kanda. I… I love you." Allen whispered, his eyelids fluttering shut, his breath slowing. His words were raspy, as if he hadn't any energy to even speak his last words.

"Allen," Kanda whispered, burying his head into the crook of the other's neck. There was still warmth rolling of him in small waves, but each successive wave got weaker and colder.

"Kiss… me" A final plea left the younger's lips. Kanda locked lips with Allen. It was a simple kiss, just the contact between the two, nothing more. Only then did Kanda realise how icy Allen was. The snow had drained both warmth and life from him as he lay in the freezing plain of white alone before Kanda had come along.

As the samurai pulled away, Allen stilled, his breath leaving him for the last time, but somehow, he had had the strength to etch one last smile on his face. It only made Allen seem that much more infant like, his lips curved up as if he was truly happy, even after he was gone. All of a sudden, Kanda felt like the world had gone cold, his world had frozen over with ice, every single crevice covered 3 feet thick with snow and hail. The white land seemed malicious, as it swallowed everything in the distance. Even the snow that fell and melted as it landed on his skin felt many times colder, harsher.

"Allen." Kanda called out repeatedly, like how a trained parrot does, speaking words without meaning, words without purpose. "Allen, Allen, Allen…" He said the name a thousand times, till it felt foreign on his tongue, uttering the words on and on, yet he could conjure no image or meaning to 'Allen'.

There he sat, in the snow, the fallen boy cradled in his arms, red dyed snow framing the lithe body that chilled with every passing moment. Kanda looked down at the boy's face, his infantile features stirring his memories, but his memories were different. The boy in his memories was never so pale, never so lifeless. He was always smiling, fake or not, always helping others, always being there for both human and akuma.

Pulling the boy, 'Allen' his brain reminded him, to his chest, Kanda hugged the empty shell, silent pleas and wishes running through his brain. Heck the blood that would stain his clothes on contact. He never expected this day to come, this day where Kanda would wish to God that Allen would return, in any way at all. What Kanda would give to have the white-haired boy still alive and kicking, still bickering with him. He would give his life for even just a few moments more with him, a few more moments to tell him his feelings, to be truthful for once.

In that snowy plain, Kanda realised their relationship had never really been open or honest. It was always a quick tussle in the sheets inbetween missions, the skin to skin friction that gave them release, allowed them to get away from their life of war. Was their relationship nothing more than that? Kanda had never been one to stay in a relationship and Allen knew that, respected that, for Allen also had his own dark truths. Even in the end, Allen had been unwilling to share the pain. He had only shed tears, nothing more, even though Kanda knew that tears were more than what Allen would ever reveal. The pain that he gritted his teeth and swallowed in every battle, every meeting with the higher ups, would Kanda never know of Allen's truths? Allen had never known his either. Had their relationship ended like that, now that a wall separated them, separated the living from the dead? Kanda didn't even get to say 'I love you'…

Blindly, Kanda hoisted the boy onto his back, he was as light as a feather and a cold one at that. The snow had drained all the remaining warmth from Allen. No longer did Kanda feel, no longer did he see, he just trudged forward in the field of white, hoping to get back to a village soon. He had to bring back Allen's body to the Black Order, to let Allen rest. He had finished his part in this war, the boy was now free, Kanda had to make sure of it.

As he trekked in the deep snow, Kanda felt his own warmth being seeped from him. How long had he been walking? Minutes, hours or days? The snow seemed never-ending, the wind picking up the pace, blowing hoards of snow into the exorcist's face. Thoughts of the war, the Millenium Earl and Allen whirled in his head, even though he continuously tried to push them away.

"Do you want me to revive him?" The voice of the Millenium Earl seemed to echo in his head. What was he thinking? Allen would object, no, absolutely hate him if Kanda turned the boy into an Akuma. Was he so desperate to see Allen again, or was insanity creeping up on him in the frozen plains? He'd seen death before, when Daisya was murdered, when civilians dropped dead in a middle of a battle, yet he'd never been so shaken before. To have Allen's flame been snuffed out just like that, was too much for Kanda to take. His head couldn't get around the fact, couldn't process it. The person he felt he could spend a life with bickering was gone just like that. It was too much to take.

The Millenium Earl's voice echoed in his head once again and Kanda was defenceless against the monsters inside him, tempting him. Would he say yes? Maybe, maybe not. Fuck it all, he'd think about it after getting out of this blizzard. Every step he took, Allen seemed to weigh heavier to Kanda's fatigue-laden body. Hours in the snow had taken too large a toll on his body. At the back of his mind, Kanda wondered if he'd even get out of there alive. If he didn't, maybe he'd get to see Allen again. Maybe…

The samurai's body gave out from the tiredness of everything, both the physical and mental burdens. He fell to his knees, Allen's body still a heavy weight on his shoulders and back. As his face landed in the snow, his eyelids slid shut. "Allen," he whispered one last time.

Everything faded to black.

* * *

A/N: It's been a really, really long time since I posted anything, and I didn't get to finish Yullen Week either... This was supposed to be for last year's Yullen Week on the theme Silence, though I guess I got distracted for a really long time. It's based on Len Kagamine's Soundless Voice. Please don't hate me for killing off Allen again. It seems whenever I have an angst streak I end up doing that. Hope you enjoyed it, though it's a sad fanfic and please R&R.


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